


In Hearts at Peace

by billspilledquill



Category: Grantchester (TV), The Road to Grantchester - James Runcie
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Pre-Series, Short, Survivor Guilt, World War II, the only fic where it is okay to quote rupert brooke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 10:57:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20062897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billspilledquill/pseuds/billspilledquill
Summary: It was mid-day sunny outside when Sidney stared at the half-read passage ofMiddlemarchand began to wonder why he was not a good man.





	In Hearts at Peace

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DalekLetoEndeavour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DalekLetoEndeavour/gifts).

> Both your lovely presence and shared passion for the book! Thank you!

> _And think, this heart, all evil shed away,_
> 
> _ A pulse in the eternal mind, no less_
> 
> _ Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;_
> 
> _Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;_
> 
> _ And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,_
> 
> _ In hearts at peace, under an English heaven._

It was mid-day sunny outside when Sidney stared at the half-read passage of _Middlemarch_ and began to wonder why he was not a good man. 

Alec Chambers did not disturb his son's reading as per usual. _For god sake he's depressed_, he had heard Jen say to their mother._ Show some damn respect_, when Dad would try in his first days of returning from war to breach the subject of crickets and matches when Sidney paused on his book. Which was ridiculous because he wasn't. 

_Depressed, you mean. _

Yes, that, he answered, and focused on the pressing issue of not being good. Why exactly? Why couldn't he? It was the war, that was his immediate answer, but then it felt too simple and too true so he cast it aside before further examination. 

_Because you're a bloody quiet lunatic, Chambers. _

Oh, shut up. 

He smiled despite himself, covering his lips with two fingers. His elbow hitting the spine of the book, hard until it fell from the shock. _Couldn't even read now, Chambers? You know I love you but you are worthless without your books. _

He didn't usually made conversations with him, but he quoted him Macbeth's banquet scene and the voice sounded bemused. _I peg you more as a preacher than a dreamer. _

Well, I can hear you, of all people, so I am not too sure about that. 

_Fair. _

Back to the pressing issue that he couldn't seemed to grasp without hearing these soft, endless voices (he heard them every day). The human capacity for self-pity was deemed to be limitless, so Sidney covered his face with his hands, rocking back and forth the big armchair the family had brought for him on his return. 

He was rocking like that back and forth back and forth until he realized he was crying. The voice wouldn't stop chanting in his head like a mantra that Sidney felt like he'd known since the beginning: _Crying does make this go away, my pal._ _I am not going anywhere._

No, it really doesn't. Back. 

_I saved you._ Forth. 

You did. Back. I didn't do the same. 

_You damn well didn't, Sidney. _

At that time Robert saved him by kissing him on the mouth, where the dark, daunting, muddy water should have been instead. He couldn't breathe, and Robert tried to breathe for him. 

He breathed out, hoping for it to be the last breath that Robert put in it without his permission, wherein his soul will be cleansed from whatever voice and presence that he was forcefully inserted in and put out of. Being in reminiscence of a dead friend you once shared breath is to both be dead and alive. A heavy, if not somewhat choked chuckle slipped through his lips unwanted. Knowing probably that the best part- the _good_ part of him that died with his friend and the worst of it remained untouched and unsoiled by the purity of this realization, that was knowledge, and that was why. 

He remained curled into himself for a few moment still- the human capacity for numbness was surprisingly off-chart as well- and set-off to write a letter to Amanda. 

If I can't be good, his own voice supplied, then I might as well be alive for those like me. 

Robert didn't answer this time, but he felt like he could've snickered, so he did it for him. 

A good man's laugh was worth a thousand pounds, and at peace for a flicker of time, Sidney paid for what he sown. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I keep coming back to this series, but the prequel quite made it to me, truly. Robert is a good chap!


End file.
